Ten Years Ago…

The #tenyearsago hashtag is ringing off the hook today on Twitter. I’d join in, but you know me and my big mouth — I have a lot more to say than 140 characters. So, here goes. Ten years ago:

  • I was getting ready to leave UMBC and start a new job at an advertising agency in Baltimore. This is the very advertising agency where I would meet and befriend a guy named John who had a best friend named Roger. I believed Roger was imaginary since John and I went out together just about every day, and this Roger never seemed to be around. How exactly does one have a best friend that they never see? 6 months later, Roger materialized. 1 year later, we started dating. Nearly 2 years after that, we got married. And I’ve been putting up with his cranky demeanor ever since.
  • I was finishing up my Master’s degree and getting ready to start on a doctorate. I believed I was going to become an academic and ditch the corporate life. Turns out the academic life was not exactly what I thought it would be. I still love to learn, but I guess I love to do more. Now I’m lucky to be in a field where I can do both.
  • I didn’t want to get married ever and definitely never wanted children. Azita wasn’t even a twinkle in my eye. In fact, I had asked my doctor that year if I could get a tubal ligation. I’m glad she refused. I’m also glad that I changed my mind. I can say however, that what I learned in my experiences, at least in this regard, is that whatever Azita wants to do when she is a young or old woman she can do. She doesn’t need to marry or have children. On the other hand, she could devote her life to having a family and raising children. I am fine with either. Truly. Read: I am not my mother. Phew!
  • I lived in Baltimore and loved the city. I didn’t know that one year later a few very bad men would fly some planes into some buildings killing thousands, and fueling the racism that hid deeply within many of the citizens of the city I thought I loved. I had experienced racism before, but never to this degree. I would eventually flee this city, returning to the city of my birth. It was just 40 miles apart physically, but there is a world of difference. I have come to gain a renewed appreciation for the Washington DC area. It may be overpriced and the people may be pretty pretentious and rude at times, but there is no shortage of people from every corner of the world. And for the most part that is not only accepted, but it is embraced.
  • My sister had just gotten married, and I learned that sisters kind of belong to each other until they meet the romantic love of their life. I was a little sad that there was now another person in our relationship. Due to circumstances I don’t care to go into right now, a wedge was driven between us. She moved to Saudi Arabia for a couple years (completely unrelated to our falling out) and had a baby. When she came back things were different, but we gradually grew close again. Now I realize that spouses may become part of the equation, but in the words of the famous Irving Berlin song: “Those who’ve seen us, know that not a thing can come between us; many men have tried to split us up but no one can.” Also, tangentially, the best things really do happen when you’re dancing.

I have no idea what the next decade will bring, but I hope it brings not only happiness, but also love and adventure. And if it’s not too much to ask, another baby and more money wouldn’t hurt either.

I wish all of you a very happy new years and no matter what the last decade was like for you, I hope the next one will be better.

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zahra, December 31st 2009 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in Categorizable Rantings, Family + Friends

Raindrops on Roses…

I can’t even count the number of times when I was pregnant that people told me I should enjoy movies, reading, eating out, etc. then when I was still childless, since the birth of my daughter would basically suck all the joy out of my life. Well, I’m happy to say just shy of a year later, that they were wrong. I’ve enjoyed a lot of things this year, and here’s a list of a few of my favorite things from the year.

Books

  • The Year of the Flood, by Margaret Atwood
    I think this is one of Margaret Atwood’s best books since The Handmaid’s Tale, one of my all time favorites. It takes place in a futuristic world overrun by genetically modified creatures and toxins, and it is narrated by two members of God’s Gardeners, a religious sect awaiting the “waterless flood.” This is one of those books that makes me feel a little sad when I reach the end, because I wish it wasn’t over. I know this is utterly ignorant of me, but I discovered on finishing this book that it is the follow-up to Oryx and Crake, which I have been told is even better. It is next on my reading list, and I’m actually a little excited to get to it.
  • Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
    This is the first non-baby book I read after Azita was born. As I lay awake feeding her or pumping or rocking her, I would read this book and get sucked in to Franco’s Spain. It was mesmerizing, and it reaffirmed my obsession with the country. This is a book about books and the love and passion they can inspire in people. Anyone who loves to read must read it. I know I will be reading again more than once.

Music

  • You Are My Flower, Elizabeth Mitchell
    This is a children’s music album, but I promise you it has charm for adults also. Elizabeth Mitchell introduces children to the greats, from Elizabeth Cotten to Bob Marley to the Velvet Underground. And, her original songs are pretty great also. She has a sweet, melodic voice that for a few months was my surefire way to get Azita to stop crying, and seemed to calm me down a little as well. I loved it so much that we bought all of her CDs and also took Azita to see her live when she came to town this fall. So amazing is Elizabeth Mitchell that she even managed to keep our 9 month old baby entertained and in her seat for the entire hour. I nearly cried.
  • Welcome to Mali, Amadou et Mariam
    I discovered Amadou et Mariam a few years ago through Manu Chao, who once described their music as having “an immense sweetness and gentleness” to it and “an enormous sense of humanity.” I couldn’t agree more. Even when you don’t understand the words (although if you have even a little French you probably can understand a great deal), you can really feel what they are saying. Their album, Welcome to Mali, was actually released last year, but it one that I listened to over and over all year. Even if you think you aren’t a fan of African blues-rock, you should give this album a try. You may find that you actually are.
  • For Emma, Forever Ago, Bon Iver
    This was my favorite album last year, and it remains my favorite album this year. It’s that good. Please listen to it if you haven’t. That’s all I have to say about that.

Movies

  • Star Trek
     If you know me, I don’t really have to say anything about this. You already knew this would be one of my favorites.
  • Serenity
    I know I’m late to the game, but I finally got around to watching Firefly (thanks to the urgings of numerous friends, including Cara from The Land of Bean). I am watching Serenity literally as I write this, and I don’t even need to get to the end to tell you that this is one of my favorite movies from this year.

TV

  • Firefly
    A space western that is, dare I say, better than the original Star Trek? It is. I love the overtly Western stylings juxtaposed with the futuristic space aspect, and the storylines and writing are both superb. I wouldn’t expect anything less from Joss Whedon though, so I guess this is hardly a surprise either. Although it is quite surprising that I haven’t watched this until now.
  • True Blood
    Yet another show I am a little late to, but I am truly obsessed. It’s a little quirky and a little dark all at once, and it has the Southern gothic flavor to boot. I think it’s pretty clear now that Alan Ball is not a one-hit wonder.

Food

  • Tarte Tatin
    I made my first tarte tatin this year, and was inspired by My Persian Kitchen to Persianize the recipe. I don’t usually experiment with a new recipe the first time I make it, but I just couldn’t help it with this one. And I’m glad I did, because the results were pretty spectacular with this one. Then again, there’s not much that can’t be improved with a little saffron and cardamom.
  • Vegetarian Cotlet
    This year for Sizdeh Bedar I attempted to make a vegetarian version of a food many Iranians would name as their ultimate comfort food — cotlet. It is a breaded and fried cutlet of ground beef and mashed potatoes. I always think of cotlet as picnic food, so it seemed natural to attempt this recipe for the ultimate picnic. I’ll just say that the cotlets were almost gone before I even tried my first one, and not one person who ate them knew they were vegetarian. I’ll promise to post a recipe sometime soon — something Roger will appreciate since that will mean that I have to make them again.

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zahra, December 30th 2009 | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Culture + Stuff

Resolutions

New Years is almost upon us. I’m not usually the type to make resolutions at a certain time of year. Rather I tend to tackle things head on right when they first occur to me. So when I go to the doctor and discover I’m horrifyingly heavier than I thought, I start my diet immediately rather than waiting for Monday or my birthday or next week or New Years Day. This means that when the rest of the world is making their resolutions and getting the year off to a good start, I’m kind of sitting around feeling like New Years is no different than any other day. I’m not saying that I have nothing to improve. I’m just saying that I have extreme perfectionist tendencies and an obsessive need to constantly work on my imperfections.

I feel different this year. I don’t necessarily want to make a resolution because I plan on continuing to address my issues continuously. I’d just like to make a mini bucket list of sorts — a list of things I want to get to before the end of next year.

So far my list consists of nothing. Here’s where you come in, reader. Help me make my list. I promise I will take all suggestions that don’t include eating meat or tackling my fears of insects or heights very seriously.

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zahra, December 29th 2009 | Tags: ,
Posted in Short + Sweet

A First Time for Everything

The day after Christmas we got up at 3 am and under the cover of night took off for North Carolina to visit my sister and her family. Like many parents, we have taken to undertaking road trips when the baby is asleep. Although it is difficult on the energy levels, it is the only way to maintain one’s sanity.

While in North Carolina, Azita had a lot of firsts and perfected a lot of things that weren’t quite firsts but were definitely somewhat new. My little girl is so grown up now, but at least she still smells like a baby. I suspect that the day I sniff her head or the back of her neck and no longer smell baby, I may curl up under the covers and never come out.

So, here’s a list:

  1. Climbing and Descending Stairs: We live in an apartment, so there are no stairs in our home. My sister’s home not only has stairs, it has a giant staircase leading up to the second floor. And, Azita mastered those puppies. Within 5 minutes of entering my sister’s home, she found the stairs and made her way all the way up to the top. I’m not talking about crawling up the stairs. I’m talking about holding on to the bars and walking up. She prefers to crawl, but she can walk them. I swear it.
  2. Drinking Milk: Azita wants to do whatever the big kids are doing, and the big kids were drinking milk. So, Azita had to have a sip. Since she’s a couple weeks shy of a year I figured there wouldn’t be any harm, so she had her first taste of milk and I had my first taste of what it will be like to not lug around a bunch of bottles and their fixings.
  3. Playing in the Big Kids’ Playground: We took a late afternoon trip to the mall, and after a whole day of refusing to sleep Azita was almost in la-la-land. Then we took my nephews to the playground in the mall, and her head perked up. Then she was climbing out of my sling, and next thing I know she is trying to climb up a green, shiny foam slide then a giant foamy lighthouse and a plastic biplane. She fearlessly approached everything and everyone in that playground, and then we had an incident that required a mad dash to find a changing table. Still, it was so much fun, and we are now officially in search of every playground we can find in the national capital area.
  4. Opening and Closing Doors: A couple weeks ago Azita started opening and closing doors, but she didn’t really have the hang of it, as evidenced by the giant, bruised bump on her forehead. Well, after about an hour or two of opening and shutting the same door over and over, she now has the hang of it. And I hope that she’s able to open many more doors than she closes in the future.
  5. Walking in the Grass: Azita walked out of doors this weekend, including a wondrous stroll in the grass. She loved it. It reminded me how magical grass is (go ahead and snicker. I am well aware of the double entendre I just uttered.). She not only walked in it, but she reached down and grabbed it by the handful. I could almost smell my own childhood watching her discover this bit of the world — an added bonus to parenthood.
  6. Riding a Tricycle: I saved this one for last, because it’s really only partially true. She did sit on a tricycle, the tricycle was moving, and her feet were kind of on the pedals. But, truthfully, I was pushing it. And, she did fall off it.

Can you tell I had the time of my life? And the best part of it is that I have an entire week left to enjoy my baby 24 hours a day. I could really get used to this.

p.s. In case you feel the need to point it out, I already know I’m a failure. I made it this far through the month of December, posting every day, until yesterday. I promise to do better next month, because I do intend to attempt NaBloPoMo again.

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zahra, December 28th 2009 | Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Family + Friends, Parenthood + Childhood

Winter, I Love You

You wouldn’t know it because I’m one of those people who complains about how cold it is when it’s 70 degrees outside, but I love winter. Yes, winter. The cold season. I love it. I look forward to it all year. I long for it.

There’s something so poetic about winter, and I am a sucker for finding poetry in the world around us. 

Hibernation. I love how the world goes to sleep to ride out the colder months, especially the trees. When I see a tree with no leaves, I feel a little like one does when you hear a particularly joyous song. A tree is beautiful when it displays its plumage in all its glory, but it is a wondrous thing when its skeleton is unveiled for all the world to see. It is beautiful in the same way an abandoned factory or the rundown part of town can be beautiful — naked, raw, true, vulnerable.

The Promise of Snow. I love snow. I love the way it tickles your face as it lands on your skin, and I love the way the world looks blanketed in white fluff. Alas, I live in Virginia, and we rarely get so much snow anymore (ahem, global warming). But winter always brings with it the promise of snow. Even when there is no chance of this promise being fulfilled, it hangs lightly in the air. You can smell it. You know it could happen. And everyone knows (or at least should know) that the best part of getting something you want is waiting for it. It’s feeling the excitement bubbling up to your throat so you feel you can hardly breathe unless you let it out giddily.

Winter Clothes. When Azita was a newborn, she curled up against me so tightly. It was the most comforting feeling in the world. Warm, cozy, soft. Winter clothes feel much the same way. I love the soft and static-y feeling of pulling a thick wool sweater over your head. Sweaters and coats and scarves. They not only feel cozy and comfortable, but they shield you from the world. Even in public you can feel like the sole member of the world, like everything and everyone is blocked out. Sometimes I need this respite. It’s almost like a trip to the spa, but much cheaper.

Warm Sustenance. My favorite foods and drinks are warm. Soups and stews are my favorite thing to eat, and also my favorite thing to cook. Just about every weekend I make a giant pot or two of soup or stew to feed us for lunch and dinner for the rest of the week. I love warm drink equally well. Coffee and tea. Spiced cider. Hot chocolate. I love how warm drinks always have strong flavors, and I love the way they warm your throat and your belly. I would imbibe only warm food and drink all year if I could, but they are not quite as appealing as they are when the air is brisk and cold.

And finally, sometimes all of the above collide as they did this past weekend. And I not only get the promise of snow, but I get actual snow covering naked tree branches. And soft, cozy clothes and warm food and drink.

ZahraAzitaSnow

And I feel flushed and happy like the early days of an intense romance, which is exactly what it is — my romance with winter.

    1 Comment

    zahra, December 26th 2009 | Tags: , , , , ,
    Posted in Uncategorizable Ramblings

    Season’s Greetings

    “A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.”
    -Mohandes Gandhi

    Here’s hoping that all of you have lives rich with brave people. Peace, love and joy to all of you this holiday season.

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    zahra, December 25th 2009 | Tags:
    Posted in Short + Sweet

    Being Thankful, the Sequel

    There is nothing like having a very sick little baby to make one so very thankful for everything they have, and I am feeling very thankful today. How thankful am I? Well, let me count the ways.

    1. As I watch Azita walking around, playing, and babbling, clearly on the mend, I am grateful that she is in relatively good health. I am so lucky to have her in my life, and all I could think about when I was with her in the ER was how parents of very ill children feel.  I don’t know how they handle such an ordeal, and if I prayed I would pray for them constantly.
    2. I am so thankful for my wonderful daycare providers. I can tell they really do care for Azita, and it showed this week when she was sick. They called to check in on her and expressed their concern. They take care of her so well when I must leave her. They don’t just feed her and change her dirty diapers. They play with her, talk to her and cuddle her with her whenever she needs it. They give her the love and affection a child needs to really thrive. I don’t know what I would do without them.
    3. I love my sister, and I am glad she is in my life. She is my one and only true confidant. Without her I would be alone and lost. I am thankful that I have her for a sister, and that she is the person she is — smart, kind, beautiful, compassionate, and the best mother I have ever seen.
    4. I am thankful for Roger, but I’ve already devoted an entire post to it so I’ll leave this at that.
    5. I am thankful for everything we have — a roof over head, food in our fridge, a car to get us around, and all of the necessities and nice things we sometimes take for granted. We are lucky that we have what we have, even if it doesn’t seem like much sometimes. We can provide for our daughter and give her the materials gifts to balance out the emotional ones. For this I am very grateful.

    I am thankful for so much more. Just listing these few things reminds me how truly lucky we are. And so does this:

    Smiles

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    zahra, December 24th 2009 | Tags:
    Posted in Family + Friends

    Only an Animal…

    Azita has been ill — coughing, dripping mucous, wheezing. Last night things turned a little scary as her cough evolved into feverish gasping for air. We rushed her to the emergency room, a place I hope to never visit in this capacity again. I can still acutely feel the pain in my gut when I think of her crying during the treatments. She was so tiny and soft and warm in a large, cold, sterile room. It was heartbreaking. I’m convinced a little piece of my heart was irreparably damaged.

    Maybe that is why I so strongly feel upset and disturbed by a headline I read today — a person of interest has been identified in the fatal shooting of a mother and her 13-week old infant. 13 week old infant. I cannot comprehend this. I keep thinking of the pain I felt when my daughter was being poked and prodded in the efforts to make her feel better. And, she’s still alive and hopefully getting better. What does this woman’s family feel if something so comparatively minor feels this bad? I can’t even think about it without feeling a little panicked.

    “What kind of person could shoot a 13 week old baby?,” I asked Roger. His response, “I believe this is the type of thing most people would say only an animal could do.” But, when is the last time you’ve seen an animal that is not homo sapiens commit such a horrific act? As Roger said, “The truth is this is something only a human could do.”

    I hate that I have to agree.

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    zahra, December 23rd 2009 | Tags: , , ,
    Posted in Uncategorizable Ramblings

    Early Onset Toddlerhood?

    I’m super busy these days, and Azita is sick. That makes things even busier. You know what adds to the business factor? Snowpocalypse 2009. That’s what. Thanks to the snow, which I usually love, we lost about 4 days to prepare for Christmas.

    To make matters worse, but also cuter and more hilarious (yes I am trying to maintain  a positive outlook and sense of humor about things), Azita seems to be suffering from early onset toddlerhood. She refuses to eat, is getting into little scraps with the other kids at daycare, wreaks havoc on our household, and tantrums are becoming a very regular occurrence throughout the day. My sister’s husband doesn’t believe that this happy little baby is capable of things like tantrums. “She’s so quiet and good,” he says. Well, here’s evidence to the contrary:

    Note that if she was not strapped in to the chair, she would have thrown herself out of it onto the ground where she would proceed to kick her legs and pound everything around her with her fists.

    Also, have I mentioned that her clumsiness genes have reached full expression? In the past few weeks alone she’s closed her fingers in a door, fallen onto her booster chair and bruised her cheek, and yanked on a door so hard it knocked her in the head and gave her a little goose egg on her forehead. The CPS investigation of Roger and me is imminent.

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    zahra, December 22nd 2009 | Tags: , , ,
    Posted in Parenthood + Childhood

    Shabe Yalda

    Right about now is when the whole NaBloPoMo commitment is wearing on me. Azita is not feeling well, I have a ton of work to get done before I take some time off (that is, if I don’t want to end up working through my entire vacation as I always do), I failed big time on the Christmas shopping this year, the snowpocalypse of 2009 has put a damper on all of my pre-Christmas preparations and on the getting work done before vacation thing…the list really doesn’t end. So, with all that said, my mind is feeling pretty dead right now. I can’t think of a damn thing to write, so here I am writing about the fact that I have writer’s block.

    This cannot happen. So I started thinking about what’s going on in the world today. What could I possibly write about? Oh wait! All of the above misery has made time stand still in a way, and I completely forgot. Tonight is Shabe Yalda, the longest night of the year. In many ways, it is the Iranian holiday that speaks the most to me, although I shamefully never really celebrate it.

    It is a night where people stay awake all night and celebrate, eating the last of the fresh fruit from the summer months. Clearly this is a holiday that caters to insomniacs such as myself. We are frequently awake all night, after all. There’s something to the night. Something that really speaks to me, and leads me to romanticize it.

    I love the night. I love darkness. I always have. Even when I was afraid of “the bad man” — my mom’s version of the bogeyman — I still looked forward to the hours when the sun slept. I looked forward to this time, because I knew that I would be awake, unable to sleep. And I loved it. Sure insomnia can be infuriating at times, but usually there is something nice about being conscious when the rest of the world is sleeping. Everything is so quiet, and the darkness is so conducive to reflection. It is my favorite time to read. It was my favorite time to study when I was in school. It is my favorite time to work.

    I think this is something I share with my father. As a surgeon who not only worked for the government but also had private practice, my father frequently did his rounds in the evenings. Just as frequently, he was on call at one of our area hospitals. Sometimes when he was called in to the hospital in the middle of the night, he would stop by my room on his way out to find me awake, reading or just thinking. And he would always invite me to come along. I never declined.

    We would drive together to the hospital in the dead of night. The roads were always empty and tinged with that orangish glow imparted on them from the street lamps. It was such an adventure, and it was our time alone — to talk about politics, religion, philosophy, science, literature. All the things in which we shared an interest. It was a time when I felt the most like my father, and I have always relished the ways we were alike.

    Then we would arrive at the hospital and we would walk the empty halls, the click-clack of our shoes echoing quietly. I’m not sure what it was about those nights, but they made me feel special and important. Here was the rest of the world sleeping, and I was awake, observing everything that people missed. It was like I was in on one of the world’s big secrets.

    And tonight is a night for celebrating those secrets and the rebirth that occurs at dawn when the sun’s glow spreads, taking over the night sky, awakening the world from its slumber. What’s not to love?

    So have a very happy Shabe Yalda my friends. And if you are still awake when everything and everyone around you starts to quiet down and go to sleep, I hope you take a minute to stop and take it all in.  To appreciate it. To realize just how special and magical those moments are.

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    zahra, December 21st 2009 | Tags: , , , , ,
    Posted in Culture + Stuff
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