A few weekends ago I was browsing the produce section of our local grocery store with Azita on board, snuggling close to me in her sling. As I walked through the aisles, I did the mom thing that annoys everyone who isn’t a parent — I pointed out every fruit and vegetable and told her the name, described the shape and color and basically tried to turn this chore into a teaching moment. As she tends to do, Azita smiled and made googly eyes at just about everyone who passed by. This is probably why it no longer surprises me when I notice people staring when I walk about town with her. She is staring at everyone else after all. After a while though I noticed the produce manager staring for a really long time, so I turned my attention and looked him in the eyes. And there I saw something unmistakable.
He had the look. The look of a parent at work, missing their child and seeing their baby in just about any child they see. I knew this even before he spoke up to talk about his 4 month old daughter at home. I know this look well, because I can feel myself giving it to parents I see whenever I venture outside of my office during the day.
I participate in a lot of parenting discussion boards, and one of the topics that seems to crop up frequently is the full-time mother vs. working-out-of-the-home mother struggle. We all struggle with it in different ways. Fathers do also, but maybe it’s the fact that our children are physically a part of us for 10 months that makes the struggle so much more of a struggle for mothers. No matter what situation you’re in, it’s hard to not feel guilt and longing.
I can understand every point of view, but maybe it’s my desire to stay home with Azita that clouds my thinking a little on the topic. I once read a post written by a full-time mother who stated that she felt like a loser when she sat at Starbucks with her children on a weekday, watching all the women in their suits, carrying their briefcases, rushing to get a coffee on their way to a glamorous day at the office — all this while she sat at a table in her yoga pants and hoodie, trying to get her children to drink their milk and eat just a little bit of a muffin.
I’ve been the woman at Starbucks. The one rushing to get to an office. If I had more time before work, I would be that woman more often. And, as I read that mother’s post, the glimpse she provided into her innermost thoughts, I was actually kind of shocked. I was shocked, because when I see a mother at Starbucks with her children in the middle of a workday I envy her. I look at her the way the grocer looked at me and Azita, browsing for produce. The word “loser” never even crosses my mind. The word “lucky” does.
It kind of puts things in perspective sometimes to remember this. To remember that no matter what your position in life, there is almost always someone looking at you from the outside thinking your grass is greener. And, maybe remembering this will even remind you just how green your grass is, even if it isn’t the shade you want.
Oh Zahra. This has been an issue for several decades now. My mother worked full time, even while we were babies. I was raised in daycare (back then, it was called “nursery school”). The occasional times that we got to stay with our stay at home, mother of 12, grandmother, I remember feeling so good. I never liked day care, probably because I was a painfully shy child. When I had my girls, I did not want to work outside of the house. I absolutely loved being at home with them. I was not the social butterfly and I took my position seriously. When they were older (one was in middle school, the other was older elementary) I took my first full time job outside of home, as a mother. I quickly climbed up the career ladder and I do admit, I loved it. I struggled with the fact that I could no longer be there for the girls during the day but I felt a sense of importance at my job. I was independent of everyone for the first time in my life. I divorced their dad and continued expanding my horizons. About 7 years later, I met Steve. We instantly hit it off. We moved in together and decided that we would marry and we both wanted another child. I was supporting the CEO of a software company and started feeling very stretched. When I got pregnant, the pull to stay home was even stronger. I wanted to nest, I was tired. At about six months, we moved out of the area and I left work. It’s been eight years now that I’ve been dedicating myself to my family. Again, taking it the responsibility very seriously. We have had to live without some “stuff” in order to make ends meet. We don’t get to vacation often. We rarely eat out. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I LOVE what I do. That doesn’t say that someday when my son is more independent I won’t look for something outside of the house. Who knows what the future holds for us? Life flows and ebbs. You just have to move with it. Staying home is not easy, sometimes you can feel a little isolated. It gives me the opportunity to take care of most of the household chores during the week, so that our weekends are fee to just “be”. If you enjoy working outside of the home, then do it, free of guilt because if you stayed home and didn’t enjoy it, you are NOT doing your child/ren any favors. XXO