This morning I tweeted something I had no idea would be inflammatory: “ I hear that phrase ‘house poor’ all the time, but I never hear anyone say ‘child poor.’ I think that’s what we are. Child poor.”
Within minutes an acquaintance of mine tweeted a response: “@zsafavian I think you don’t hear ‘child poor’ because a) it is so common & b) to say it is admitting perhaps an anti-parent thought. un-PC.”
Well, I obviously beg to differ.
I live in an area where there are a lot of well-off people. Washington, DC, as you can imagine, is rife with lawyers and executives. Dual six-figure-income families are not uncommon here, but there are also a lot of people who make considerably less than that. Roger and I, although we are by no means poor, definitely fit into that second category.
We are child poor. We think it’s worth it, but we are most definitely child poor. After daycare and other child-related expenses, we don’t have much left over. Before we had Azita, we had a lot of expendable income after the bills were paid. Now we don’t. I think that would be the very definition of child poor.
So, why is this an un-PC opinion? And why does this represent an anti-parent sentiment? Is it so wrong to actually admit that children are expensive? I have never said that without immediately saying that it is so worth it, because I will say that I can’t think of many things that would not be worth enduring to have Azita.
She is by far the most precious thing in this world to me, and the only thing I really need to be happy.
Here’s the deal though. Maybe it is so common for people to be child poor, but I don’t hear anyone admitting that. They don’t admit it, not because it is un-PC, but because people judge you for it. I am judged by people when they find out that my child goes to a home-based daycare. I cannot afford a big daycare center. I most certainly cannot afford a nanny. People judge me for this. I see the look in their eyes. I have actually been asked if my child is going to learn enough or be well-taken care of or thrive in the daycare we have chosen for her. Really. I have been asked this. It is a slap in the face. I spent a year looking at daycare options. I chose a daycare after very careful research and deliberation. I monitor their care of my daughter daily and consider whether or not this continues to be the best decision for us. Yet I am judged because I cannot afford a nanny.
Well, guess what. I also cannot afford a housekeeper, and we not only buy our clothes from Target but I bring my own lunch every single day and I make our dinner every single day. And most of those meals are lentils, beans, or some other very cheap, but healthy, option. Seriously, we are not poor. We save money every month. We can afford our mortgage, and we are even trying to pay it down aggressively. We put money in our retirement funds and in Azita’s education fund every month. We are spending our money on the right things. So, I can’t afford a nanny and I can’t afford to go out for lunch with my coworkers every day and I can’t afford a fancy stroller or designer clothes for my child or a Gymboree membership. So what?
It may be un-PC to say that I am child poor, but I think more people should admit they are, too. Because maybe if more people would admit it, Â more people would stop spending irresponsibly. People spend money on Gymboree and My Gym and Jonah’s Treehouse whether they can afford it or not. People spend on the Stokke highchair, the BOB stroller, the Hanna Anderson clothes, and they judge those of us who buy the cheaper but usable options. These things don’t make your child better than mine, and they certainly don’t make you a better parent.
People who cannot afford a nanny spend a fortune on a nanny. They go into debt. They do not contribute to a college fund for their child or savings to provide for their families should they lose their jobs. This is irresponsible spending. Does a nanny take better care of their children than the daycare provider I have chosen?
Consider that maybe the most expensive option is not always the best option (see I Saw Your Nanny for some pretty convincing examples of this). My daughter is thriving without the nanny and the fancy accoutrements. I spend time playing with her and teaching her rather than spending money on things.
The bottom line is that we live in a society where the middle-class is disappearing. Some people can afford a lot and others not so much, but people are embarrassed or somehow afraid to admit that they cannot afford things. So, they spend what they don’t have.
This is the lesson we are teaching our children, and I think it’s a horrible lesson to teach. Our children should be taught to be happy without stuff. They should be taught to spend money responsibly. To save for their futures. To save for their families’ futures. To value time spent with family and friends.
So it may be un-PC, but I’m going to admit it anyways. I am child poor, and I hope to be even more child poor someday soon. My children may not have the best things available to kids these days, but they will have great experiences.They will have a good education. They will have parents who love them wholeheartedly, absolutely, unconditionally. They will have parents who want and do spend time with them. They will have parents who teach them the value of money and the value of saving and spending responsibly. They will have the things that count in life — the things that can’t be bought.
And we will be richer for it.
Typing through tears…you rock, Zahra! Your home-based daycare sitch is probably far better for your daughter than most big daycares. THAT’S what people don’t want to admit. Bigger isn’t better. Natural all-ways is. It’s more natural for her to be at home at her age. You would probably choose to be at home with her if you could, so it’s what you wish you could give her. And the time you and Rog spend with her supplements that care. Children her age learn from play, there are no lessons to teach. They have so much to teach us, and it looks like you’re learning a great deal from your resident Buddhist. You’re a beautiful little family making your way in this crazy world, and Azita is lucky to have you two as parents.
All the love to all of you.
I would much rather be child poor than house poor. It just sounds like a lot more fun.
I think this is genius.
You just run with the wrong crowds. I’ve never known anyone who could hire a nanny. I don’t think I’d want to know people who look down on you because you can’t.
My husband and I actually make more than the average US household and I already feel liberal guilt over the extras we do have.
And yet, we buy lots of things second-hand when we can, we coupon and watch for sales. We do grumble a bit about the money they cost (2 kids in daycare at once!).
Of course it’s worth it, but it *is* hard. Anyone who is out of touch with that, is out of touch with the reality the majority of people live in.