For much of my life, and by “much” I mean the last almost 37 years, I’ve spent so much of my time and energy trying to please others and make them happy. To keep the peace. By others, I mostly mean my immediate family. The thing is that I never get the same in return. The love and respect I dish out is never reciprocated, and it makes me sad. It’s made me sad for so long, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of having so much sadness and stress and anxiety in my life.
Life really is too short. When I open my eyes in the morning and see that Azita isn’t an infant anymore, I know this. I don’t have much time. Somehow I am turning 37 years old this year. I don’t want to wake up in 33 years and realize that I am 70 and another three decades have past and I’m still not happy. I can’t let this happen. Because while I had no control over my situation and surroundings as a child, I am now an adult and it is within my means to find and make my own happiness.
And that’s what I’m going to do. For too long I have tried to irradiate the cancer that is my relationship with my youngest sister. It isn’t working. In fact, it is now metastasizing, and I need to cut it out, even though any sort of relationship with my parents and my nephew and niece is likely to end up in medical waste along with that with my sister. But it’s what’s best for me and in so many ways also what is best for Azita and my relationship with Roger, so I’m going to do it anyways.
Today, on the anniversary of the birth of this country, I am turning over a new leaf and giving myself a new life. I’m going to see what this happiness business is all about.