Always Crunch Time

Today was my first day back at work after BlogHer. It sucked.

I returned from BlogHer with renewed ambitions for this little blog of mine. I was inspired by the many amazing women I met, by the conversations I had, by the sessions I attended, the presentations I heard. I was teeming with ideas, and I had the best of intentions to get started on them right away.

Then life got in the way. Actually, work got in the way. Actually, I meant both, since lately my life is work. And I hate this. This time of year is typically crunch time in the business I’m in. The problem is that it is never not crunch time for me. I can’t remember the last time I came home and did not have to immediately open my laptop and get right back to work. And I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t still working 5 hours later, well after Azita has gone to bed and I’ve missed any chance of spending any quality time with her when she’s awake.

If it was just a couple weeks or even a month or even two months out of the year, I’d be fine with this. But it’s not. And I miss my daughter. And I can’t think.

I don’t just have writer’s block. I have designer’s block. I have student’s block. I have exerciser’s block. I have every kind of block there is when it comes to the other parts of my life that make my life worth living.

All these ideas are bottled up inside me, and I can’t get around to even thinking about them until the clock strikes “6 hours before I have to get up again.” It’s always crunch time — 24/7, 52 weeks a year — and I’m tired of it.

The worst part is that I have no idea how to make this better. Anyone know the secret? If you do, please share. I’m desperate, and these dark circles under my eyes are out of control.

2 Comments

zahra, August 10th 2010 | Tags: , ,
Posted in Categorizable Rantings

24

About 5 minutes after I got pregnant with Azita I started reading mommy blogs. Since I was awake all night with swollen feet and nausea and the worst insomnia of my life, I had a lot of time to read. The funny thing is that somehow in reading a lot of these blogs I got the impression that I, as a working mother, would have it made. I seriously believed this.

I would have the best of both worlds. I would spend enough time with my child to enjoy her company, but I would also get to spend a lot of time in the company of adults, being intellectually stimulated and having adult conversation.

I would somehow have only one job that was over when I left the office. I’m not sure who I thought would take care of my baby when I got home, but somehow the mommies led me to believe this.

All of the above is a big crock. And, here’s the part where just about half the blogosphere will pick up arms and take the offensive against me. I am convinced there is a stay-at-home mom conspiracy against those of us who must (or choose) to work outside of the home.

I feel the need to begin by saying that I have a great deal of respect for mothers who devote their lives to raising their children. My sister has done this, and I think she is the best mother in the world. I look up to her as a mother, and I think parenting 3 young children keeps her as busy if not often busier than I am. I have made no secret of the fact that were we able to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies on just Roger’s salary, I would in a heartbeat make the same decision.

What I don’t understand is why stay-at-home mothers feel the need to denigrate the work the rest of us mothers do. I realize that is a blanket statement, because I know a lot of stay-at-home mothers, many who occasionally read this blog, who do not do this. But I read many a blog post where I feel this is the case.

As I said, I understand just how much work it takes to raise a child. I say this because I am now a mother, and I am raising my child even though I also work outside of the home and someone else takes care of Azita for 8 hours a day during the week. I still raise her. I’m just also raising a product line and about 15 accounts and the product support for all of my company’s clients.

Consider the following breakdown of a typical weekday for yours truly.

4:55am : Alarm goes off.  First snooze.

5:09am: Second snooze

5:19am: Turn off the alarm. Groan for a few minutes.

5:30am: Out of bed. Get dressed to workout.

5:35am: Make breakfast for Azita.

5:45-6:50am: Workout.

6:50-7:00am: Shower, put on makeup, do hair, get dressed.

7:00-7:20am: Clean up Azita, brush her teeth, get her dressed, beg her to decide on a pair of shoes. Chase her around the apartment with said shoes, begging her to let me put them on her feet.

7:20-7:30am: Help Roger get bags and lunches packed, make travel mug of coffee, pull together whatever Azita needs for daycare.

7:30-7:45am: Check work email and plan work schedule for the day.

7:45-8:15am: Daycare dropoff and get to work.

8:15am-4:45pm: Work. And I mean non-stop work. No naps. No lunch breaks. No coffee breaks. Sometimes no bathroom or water breaks.

4:45-5:00pm: Go home. Work comes with me, of course.

5:00-6:00pm: Make dinner, while answering work emails, and (if Roger is working out) taking care of Azita.

6:00-6:30pm: Family dinner.

6:30-6:40pm: Give Azita her nebulizer treatment.

6:45-6:55pm: Azita’s bathtime.

6:55-7:45pm: Try (and beg and plead) to get Azita to sleep. A few nights a week, Roger does this, so I can do homework for the class I’m taking.

7:45-11:00pm: Back to the grind. If I have a lot to do for work or have something due for school, I’ll stay up as late as 1:00am to get it done.

11:00pm: Read for 15 -30minutes in bed, until I fall asleep.

Rinse, lather, repeat the next 24 hours.

Really, the only thing that is different in my schedule from a stay-at-home mother’s schedule is the part in the middle when I go to an office. I understand that there is something nice about having adult conversation during the day, but does it make my work any less tiring and draining than taking care of a toddler and a home full-time?

Like a stay-at-home mother, my job as a mother also never ends. I also get no breaks from motherhood when I have the flu or I’m operating on just a few hours of sleep. In fact, I also get no breaks from my second job — the one that pays the bills — when I’m sick or operating on just a few hours of sleep.

I understand that many women (and men) put down the accomplishments of women in the home, especially those who have made their home and their children their lives. I am not one of those people, and I say shame on anyone who does this. But from where I stand it seems like many women shell out the same bad treatment to those of us who have made different choices, and I think they should be ashamed as well.

Maybe one day women can feel pride based on the merit of their own accomplishments rather than by putting down the accomplishments of others. I hope one day Azita will live in that world.

4 Comments

zahra, July 22nd 2010 | Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Parenthood + Childhood

The Things That Sustain Us

Every day at work is a challenge for me. More specifically, being away from Azita for that time is a challenge. It’s just so hard to bear sometimes.

When I first returned from maternity leave I didn’t know how I would ever make it. Gradually I learned some tricks that get me through the day or at least most of it. The key is to, every day, find something to sustain me. It can be something little, like the dainty way Azita holds her waffle when she eats her breakfast or the cute little face she makes to try to get a laugh out of me.

There are all sorts of things she does that are new and delightful, that bring a smile to my face throughout the day and give me a little cud to chew on when I miss her. Last night, though, she reached an all-time high as she was falling asleep.

This past few days, falling asleep means kicking and hitting (more specifically, slapping). Last night I tried a new tactic, since timeouts and copious Nos and Stops weren’t working. I held her arms and looked her in the eyes. “No hitting. Hitting hurts mommy. We don’t hit. We give hugs and kisses.” And I hugged her tightly and told her I loved her.

That’s when she did it. She caught my eye and very deliberately removed the pacifier from her mouth. Then she kissed me on my chin. It was a big, slobbery kiss, and she smiled before she gave me another, equally grand kiss on my cheek followed by a long hug. She finally heard me

And best of all, it was finally so clear to me that she does love me. She really, really loves me. I can throw away those poor daisies I’ve been mangling. Because this moment will sustain me for a very, very long time.

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zahra, May 27th 2010 | Tags: , ,
Posted in Parenthood + Childhood

Work Day, Snow Day, Sick Day

It’s an old story, the struggle between working (outside of the home) and parenting. Certainly I’ve talked about this struggle here on this blog. This week in Arlington has really pushed that struggle to an extreme for me and other mothers in the area, as the area has been pretty incapacitated by a couple feet of snow with more coming down as I write this. That means that getting to work has been pretty hard. Actually, it’s been impossible for me.

Between lack of daycare and the high level of difficulty of getting to the office with a baby, a laptop, and work and baby supplies,  I haven’t been able to make it into the office since last  Thursday. That isn’t to say that I haven’t worked. I’ve been working from home, and actually, I’ve had a very productive few work days. So, why do I feel nervous and guilty?

I know I’m not alone. On one of my favorite discussion boards recently I read a post by a woman whose child had been sick. After a few days of working from home she began to worry about her job. I’ve heard basically the same story from friends and coworkers and family. It’s a fact of life in this country. Even employers who claim to be family friendly value face time over actual work produced.

So, what does a parent do? What do you do when snow shuts down daycare or when your child is sick? Who wins — your child or your job? Both men and women face these stresses and worries, but I think it’s worse for women.

I don’t know the solution to this dilemma, but I think my sister said it best when she said that women’s lib was both the best and worst thing to happen to women. Yes we are now technically equals in the workplace, and we actually have the option to go in to an office and work if that’s what we choose. But, in many ways things are harder now than ever. We are now in a workplace that was designed for men, and a mother just can’t fit in without denying the mother side of them just a little.

I have faith this will change. Mothers are needed in the workplace more than ever. Many countries are waking up to this fact and starting programs that make it more possible for us to have it all (e.g., check out this site). Maybe one day the U.S. will catch up with much of the rest of the world. In the meantime, I’ll be working from home tomorrow like many other people in the area, and I’ll do my best to simultaneously take care of my daughter and not worry myself into an early grave.

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zahra, February 9th 2010 | Tags: , , ,
Posted in Parenthood + Childhood

The Right Shade of Green

A few weekends ago I was browsing the produce section of our local grocery store with Azita on board, snuggling close to me in her sling. As I walked through the aisles, I did the mom thing that annoys everyone who isn’t a parent — I pointed out every fruit and vegetable and told her the name, described the shape and color and basically tried to turn this chore into a teaching moment. As she tends to do, Azita smiled and made googly eyes at just about everyone who passed by. This is probably why it no longer surprises me when I notice people staring when I walk about town with her. She is staring at everyone else after all. After a while though I noticed the produce manager staring for a really long time, so I turned my attention and looked him in the eyes. And there I saw something unmistakable.

He had the look. The look of a parent at work, missing their child and seeing their baby in just about any child they see. I knew this even before he spoke up to talk about his 4 month old daughter at home. I know this look well, because I can feel myself giving it to parents I see whenever I venture outside of my office during the day.

I participate in a lot of parenting discussion boards, and one of the topics that seems to crop up frequently is the full-time mother vs. working-out-of-the-home mother struggle. We all struggle with it in different ways. Fathers do also, but maybe it’s the fact that our children are physically a part of us for 10 months that makes the struggle so much more of a struggle for mothers. No matter what situation you’re in, it’s hard to not feel guilt and longing.

I can understand every point of view, but maybe it’s my desire to stay home with Azita that clouds my thinking a little on the topic. I once read a post written by a full-time mother who stated that she felt like a loser when she sat at Starbucks with her children on a weekday, watching all the women in their suits, carrying their briefcases, rushing to get a coffee on their way to a glamorous day at the office — all this while she  sat at a table in her yoga pants and hoodie, trying to get her children to drink their milk and eat just a little bit of a muffin.

I’ve been the woman at Starbucks. The one rushing to get to an office. If I had more time before work, I would be that woman more often. And, as I read that mother’s post, the glimpse she provided into her innermost thoughts, I was actually kind of shocked. I was shocked, because when I see a mother at Starbucks with her children in the middle of a workday I envy her. I look at her the way the grocer looked at me and Azita, browsing for produce. The word “loser” never even crosses my mind. The word “lucky” does.

It kind of puts things in perspective sometimes to remember this. To remember that no matter what your position in life, there is almost always someone looking at you from the outside thinking your grass is greener. And, maybe remembering this will even remind you just how green your grass is, even if it isn’t the shade you want.

1 Comment

zahra, January 26th 2010 | Tags: , , , , ,
Posted in Parenthood + Childhood, Uncategorized

Hi Ho Hi Ho

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I wish I could say that it’s because I’ve been busy celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday and being thankful for everything in my life.  But that’s not true, unfortunately. I mean I have been thankful and thought a lot about what I am thankful for. And, I do plan on finishing the declarations of thanks I started last week. However, the point is that I spent the entire weekend working, with a little family time thrown in here and there, and I’m really unhappy about it. That is, with the working, not the family time.

In the current economy, I am certainly grateful to have a job that pays me a paycheck that pays my bills and allows me to buy my daughter some nice things here and there. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful, and I am not whining. But allow me to whine just a little. I actually like what I do. For a long time, my career was the most important thing to me. In fact, my career was the most important thing to me next to my brand-spanking new marriage about 6 years ago when I first started my job at Blackboard. So, it shouldn’t surprise me that since my current boss was also my boss at Blackboard, he might expect the same undying devotion to my job.

Well, I can tell you that devotion no longer exists. I still love what I do, but I love Azita more. And, when I spend a four-day weekend that is supposed to be about thankfulness and family and friends working until 2am while my daughter cries for my attention, I start to get pretty damn annoyed with what I do. Heck, I start to get pretty angry. I’m angry that my boss expects me to ignore my daughter and work nearly 24 hours a day just to make a minute dent in my workload. I’m mostly angry that I just did it. I should have explained it wouldn’t be possible and that my family comes first.

But I didn’t. I didn’t because I’m afraid that I’ll lose my job if I don’t lose myself to it. It’s an irrational fear at first glance, but it really isn’t if you live in the D.C. area where nearly everyone is married to their jobs. It’s easy to look at the employment landscape and to fear that unless you also give your job everything you have, including a relationship with your daughter, that you won’t be able to continue earning.

I have to say that this is one reason it is becoming more and more tempting for me to get up and move somewhere where life is a little slower and family is a little more important. For now, I’m off to the mines every weekday morning, but I need a change. Azita needs me to change, and I’ve decided that I need to start taking the steps I need to take to make that change happen.

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zahra, November 30th 2009 | Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Family + Friends, Parenthood + Childhood